I recently wrote three songs and lyrics (as well as some interim dialogue) for the fourth act of the most recent (and two-year anniversary) Comedy Coven show: Fake & Gay.

The setup: The Coven is fed up with dating guys with priors and girls who end up not being gay. Enter Emily's extremely scientific "Intraoral Kinsey Scale and Other Characteristics Thingy," which, with a quick swabbing of your partner's mouth, tells you most everything you'll need to know to figure out whether or not you're compatible.

The below script (and mp3 vocal guides of the songs I delivered to the Coven) picks up just as Emily tries to pitch a catchy jingle for the device. They did a much better job delivering than I ever could, of course, and at the end had the entire theater slow clapping and singing along "It doesn't fucking matter!"

"THE INTRAORAL KINSEY SCALE AND OTHER CHARACTERISTICS THINGY"

EMILY

I used to think maybe you loved me now baby I know,

Cuz we both spit on a swab and baby, oh baby, it showed

That we are sixty-seven per-cent compatible-oh-oh-oh.

Although the stuff that she wants in the bedroom makes me uncomfortable.

The intraoral Kinsey Scale and other characteristics thingy Oh oh!

The intraoral Kinsey Scale and other characteristics thingy!

STEPHANIE

Whoa-whoa whoa whoa. [song stops] That entire jingle is hugely problematic, Emily.

TRICIA

Also: holy mother of fucking fuck—what was that Katrina and the Waves shit?

EMILY

It’s upbeat. [Despondent] …Like love should be.

TRICIA

Also-also: uhh what kinky shit is she making you do in the bedroom you’re so uncomfortable with?

EMILY

[blushing, looks down; beat]

STEPHANIE

That’s exactly what I’m saying. You brush that off as if it’s nothing, but the rest of the song totally focuses only on the fact that you matched on the Kinsey Scale but nothing else. I mean come on guys, we all know…

TRICIA, EMILY and STEPHANIE

[TRICIA AND EMILY morose, like children just scolded; STEPHANIE proud] That to correctly look at behavior and sexuality, we need to consider them related but different things.

TRICIA and EMILY

[still morose] Yeah, we know.

EMILY

So… you’re saying you don’t like the song?

STEPHANIE

Just—just let me take a stab at it. We need the advertising to represent our rationale for the all-encompassing magnitude of the product. Okay, let’s see. …Ok. Ok, I think I’ve got it.

"BRAND REFRESH"

STEPHANIE

The one-dimensional nature of the Kinsey scale

Leads to an idea that the more

Attraction you have toward your own gender

The less that you have toward the “opposite”

Gender!

[spoken] What? My Spotify Discover Playlist had a bunch of Tool songs in it this week for some reason. …And I kinda liked it.

We need a brand refresh that’s intentional real quick.

This device will be intersectional or it will be

Bullshit!

It should account for all aspects of compatibility

Like if you found Kristen Stewart oddly sexy in the SNL Willy Wonka parody

She played!

Charlie!

It should tell me if you like the smell of patchouli

Or if you maybe like to tell jokes about dead babies

Like what’s harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree?

Nailing it to a… [upset] dead puppy.

[spoken] God dammit. I hate those jokes. I don’t know why I keep Googling them.

TRICIA

TRICIA puts her arm around Stephanie and strokes her hair

[spoken] There there. This device—it’s causing nothing but trouble.

But I think I have just the song to make it all better.

[over intro of song] Yeah. That’s good. I like that.

"IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER"

TRICIA

Do you remember my boyfriend Chad?

Remember how he could always make me laugh?

I found out he was a flatulophiliac [spoken] That’s someone who’s turned on by farts.

We were still together eight months after that.

So just remember that

It just doesn’t fucking matter

Or how about that girl Emily dated who we all thought was great?

Her browser history was full of Vore, and I don’t mean to throw shade

But that’s fetishism for swallowing your partner whole after you mate.

So they both joined a student-run Vore club at Michigan State.

So just remember that

It just doesn’t fucking matter

I hope you didn’t think I’d leave out Stephanie.

She dated a girl who left her for a Brony.

Also Stephanie got into dudes wearing female doll masks—it’s called “masking.”

But that girl and that Brony are now happily married.

So just remember that

It just doesn’t fucking matter

TRICIA, EMILY and STEPHANIE

Oh-oh!

It doesn’t fucking matter

Oh-oh

It doesn’t fucking matter

[start handclap, encourage audience to join in]

Oh-oh

It doesn’t fucking matter

[repeat]

[good nights and thanks for coming over drum beat fadeout]

Casey Bye

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It Doesn't Fucking Matter: Comedy Coven Songs