It Doesn't Fucking Matter: Comedy Coven Songs
I recently wrote three songs and lyrics (as well as some interim dialogue) for the fourth act of the most recent (and two-year anniversary) Comedy Coven show: Fake & Gay.
The setup: The Coven is fed up with dating guys with priors and girls who end up not being gay. Enter Emily's extremely scientific "Intraoral Kinsey Scale and Other Characteristics Thingy," which, with a quick swabbing of your partner's mouth, tells you most everything you'll need to know to figure out whether or not you're compatible.
The below script (and mp3 vocal guides of the songs I delivered to the Coven) picks up just as Emily tries to pitch a catchy jingle for the device. They did a much better job delivering than I ever could, of course, and at the end had the entire theater slow clapping and singing along "It doesn't fucking matter!"
"THE INTRAORAL KINSEY SCALE AND OTHER CHARACTERISTICS THINGY"
EMILY
I used to think maybe you loved me now baby I know,
Cuz we both spit on a swab and baby, oh baby, it showed
That we are sixty-seven per-cent compatible-oh-oh-oh.
Although the stuff that she wants in the bedroom makes me uncomfortable.
The intraoral Kinsey Scale and other characteristics thingy Oh oh!
The intraoral Kinsey Scale and other characteristics thingy!
STEPHANIE
Whoa-whoa whoa whoa. [song stops] That entire jingle is hugely problematic, Emily.
TRICIA
Also: holy mother of fucking fuck—what was that Katrina and the Waves shit?
EMILY
It’s upbeat. [Despondent] …Like love should be.
TRICIA
Also-also: uhh what kinky shit is she making you do in the bedroom you’re so uncomfortable with?
EMILY
[blushing, looks down; beat]
STEPHANIE
That’s exactly what I’m saying. You brush that off as if it’s nothing, but the rest of the song totally focuses only on the fact that you matched on the Kinsey Scale but nothing else. I mean come on guys, we all know…
TRICIA, EMILY and STEPHANIE
[TRICIA AND EMILY morose, like children just scolded; STEPHANIE proud] That to correctly look at behavior and sexuality, we need to consider them related but different things.
TRICIA and EMILY
[still morose] Yeah, we know.
EMILY
So… you’re saying you don’t like the song?
STEPHANIE
Just—just let me take a stab at it. We need the advertising to represent our rationale for the all-encompassing magnitude of the product. Okay, let’s see. …Ok. Ok, I think I’ve got it.
"BRAND REFRESH"
STEPHANIE
The one-dimensional nature of the Kinsey scale
Leads to an idea that the more
Attraction you have toward your own gender
The less that you have toward the “opposite”
Gender!
[spoken] What? My Spotify Discover Playlist had a bunch of Tool songs in it this week for some reason. …And I kinda liked it.
We need a brand refresh that’s intentional real quick.
This device will be intersectional or it will be
Bullshit!
It should account for all aspects of compatibility
Like if you found Kristen Stewart oddly sexy in the SNL Willy Wonka parody
She played!
Charlie!
It should tell me if you like the smell of patchouli
Or if you maybe like to tell jokes about dead babies
Like what’s harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree?
Nailing it to a… [upset] dead puppy.
[spoken] God dammit. I hate those jokes. I don’t know why I keep Googling them.
TRICIA
TRICIA puts her arm around Stephanie and strokes her hair
[spoken] There there. This device—it’s causing nothing but trouble.
But I think I have just the song to make it all better.
[over intro of song] Yeah. That’s good. I like that.
"IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER"
TRICIA
Do you remember my boyfriend Chad?
Remember how he could always make me laugh?
I found out he was a flatulophiliac [spoken] That’s someone who’s turned on by farts.
We were still together eight months after that.
So just remember that
It just doesn’t fucking matter
Or how about that girl Emily dated who we all thought was great?
Her browser history was full of Vore, and I don’t mean to throw shade
But that’s fetishism for swallowing your partner whole after you mate.
So they both joined a student-run Vore club at Michigan State.
So just remember that
It just doesn’t fucking matter
I hope you didn’t think I’d leave out Stephanie.
She dated a girl who left her for a Brony.
Also Stephanie got into dudes wearing female doll masks—it’s called “masking.”
But that girl and that Brony are now happily married.
So just remember that
It just doesn’t fucking matter
TRICIA, EMILY and STEPHANIE
Oh-oh!
It doesn’t fucking matter
Oh-oh
It doesn’t fucking matter
[start handclap, encourage audience to join in]
Oh-oh
It doesn’t fucking matter
[repeat]
[good nights and thanks for coming over drum beat fadeout]