Comedy Coven: Artistic Differences
Welp, this happened over a year ago, and I’ve just discovered I never posted about. Below, check out content from last August’s Comedy Coven XXVIII: Artistic Differences!
Promo video edited and produced by Dan Hartley.
WALK A MILE lyrics
EMILY
Hey guys. I’m calling because we need to talk this through.
TRICIA
Who dis? Sorry, new phone. In a Pitchfork Fest portajohn, I dropped mine in some poo.
STEPH
How typical.
TRICIA
If you just got smoked up by Madlib, you would too.
EMILY
Anyway, this is Emily! And I think this conversation’s overdue.
Maybe you both just need to walk a mile in each others shoes.
TRICIA and STEPH
[spoken dramatically] It’s too late for that. But maybe? ...No. [both dramatically turn their heads away from each other]
EMILY
So are you both ready to talk about what we should do?
TRICIA
Why should we? My new Coven is actually cool. For example, most of them chew.
STEPH
Well, my new Coven doesn’t care about being cool!
TRICIA
Yeah, what else is new?
EMILY
Hey! [beat] Cool out, you two.
Maybe you both just need to walk a mile in each others shoes.
STEPH
No thanks. I don’t really feel like getting HPV from some guy I met at Bonnaroo.
TRICIA
It was an alley. Outside a dance club. On Bourbon Street. And also: fuck you!
EMILY
That’s it!
I don’t want to embarrass someone
By naming names.
But some of us -- I won’t say who --
Are stuck in a Coven of dogs.
Can you imagine? Just dogs. And you.
And dogs don’t laugh.
It’s risibility that they lack.
They just bark and bark
And stare at you for food
As if you don’t feed them
But of course, you totally do
Ok, it’s me!
Who wants out of this Coven of dogs!
STEPH
[horrified] Emily. I -- I didn’t know.
TRICIA
I mean, come on--it has potential. [spoken] I see a Huffpost pitch: The best drugs to watch dog comedy on!
EMILY
Do you see? I’m not prepared to be on my own. I’m just not ready.
TRICIA
You need me?
STEPH
She needs me.
EMILY
I need you both!
[But she’s brought down, reminded that they’re not ready, and her hopefulness turns to disgust] But you’re both being so greedy.
Hey, “I’m Tricia--Look at me! Comedy is only funny when there’s nothing funny to see.”
STEPH
Laughs
EMILY
[turns her attention to STEPH] And there’s nagging Miss Spreadsheets. “Oh look at me, I’m Stephanie.”
STEPH
Emily!
TRICIA
Nice one.
EMILY
And then there’s me. The Ally Sheedy of our Coven Comedy.
But I’m sick of being the basketcase. I guess I’m sick of being me.
No! Not sick of being Emily.
That’s not it, not really.
[she hangs up her phone and raises her arms to the sky]
And by the power of Hecate.
TRICIA AND EMILY are surprised to find themselves in the same space as Emily. They hang up their phones.
TRICIA
[spoken] Emily? Yo. Did you just magically pull us to the same location?
EMILY
Dark goddesses! Dark moons! Dark stars! Hear my plea!
STEPH
[spoken] This is getting very dramatic.
EMILY
And through the power vested by thee
I swear!
You’ll walk a mile in her shoes [throws glitter on STEPH]
And you! I Swear! You’ll walk a mile in her shoes [throws glitter on TRICIA]
And you will be just like she
TRICIA AND STEPH
And she like me?
EMILY
Exactly!
[EMILY begins to spin with her arms out to her sides and periodically throws more glitter]
In her shoes!
TRICIA
This shit is crazy AF. Now she’s spinning?
EMILY
In her shoes!
STEPH
Emily, I had no idea you’d become such a powerful Wiccan. I am soooo proud you right now!
EMILY reaches out her arms toward both STEPH and TRICIA who freeze, arms dangling, rising on their tiptoes as if EMILY is raising them. They remain frozen there as EMILY addresses them.
EMILY
[arms still outstretched to both TRICIA and STEPH but now pointing at TRICIA] When you push me and push me with all this aggression,
Then it becomes high time you both learned a lesson.
[pointing at STEPH] And if my spell didn’t do the trick,
Then I hope you know ...that you both [she looks to both STEPH and TRICIA disgusted and shakes her head] --both of you make me sick.
PART FOUR: One Small Leap for Comedy
EMILY
[sitting alone on stage, she whistles a forlorn version of the intro to the Quantum Leap theme then, her spirits rising]
Dun-dun den daaa!
Dean Stockwell!
Trav-el-ing through time.
And his best friend!
Sam Beckett!
Not to be confused with the playwright.
STEPH and TRICIA walk in.
STEPH
Whooaaa. Em-dog. What was that little quirky-weird thing you were just doing there?
EMILY
[startled they’ve arrived] Oh. It’s --It’s just, when I’m feeling down, I like to do two things? One: is umm whistle. And two: that is sing little words I make up and set to old TV show themes.
STEPH
Yeah. Yeah. I dig it.
TRICIA
I think it’s swell and also important that you have an outlet, Emily.
EMILY
Umm, yeah. Thanks. Well, I called you here, because, and I don’t know if you recall that night I started spinning around and shooting glitter from my fingertips and called on the power of Hecate and invoked some pretty dark magics. And umm, said some kinda mean things? To both of you. And umm, then I called down a thunderbolt that changed your personalities? Well I wanted to talk about that.
STEPH
Yeah. Totes. It was like that movie with that guy from Fast Times at Ridgemont High who is supposed to be a teenager when he’s jerking off to Phoebe Cates but now suddenly he’s old enough to be Fred Savage’s dad?
TRICIA
Excuse me, Judge Reinhold was 30 when he shot Vice Versa. And it wasn’t like that at all. It was clearly more like Freaky Friday.
STEPH
You’re more like Freaky Friday
TRICIA
Grow up.
STEPH
Blow me.
EMILY
Okay. Yes! So that is the evening in question. And, well, I wanted to apologize, because I only did it because I thought --clearly incorrectly--that the spell would give you both a bit of empathy. You know, maybe see eye to eye. But it didn’t work. And now instead of us finding a happy medium for Coven to work in, you’re arguing about obscure and irrelevant ...pop culture. ...Wait a minute… Yeah! Yeah that just. Might. Work!
The theme to Quantum Leap begins to play. They sing along.
EMILY
If the two of you can’t get along
Maybe we just need to find
Some middle ground to make you both happy
Also sorry again that I switched your minds.
Maybe if we all tried to be
[turning to STEPH trying to persuade] slightly more experimental
like doing a scene where we sing
along to the Quantum Leap theme
that seems kinda funny
STEPH
That's not funny
it's cheap!
Doing song parodies
TRICIA
You call that cheap?
Just think,
I came on stage wearing just spreadsheets
EMILY
Song parodies have set melodies
[To Tricia} Now that’s what I call structured.
STEPH
I think maybe she has a point.
TRICIA
I guess I’ll give it a try.
EMILY
That’s why I love you guys.
Song ends.
TRICIA
Okay, so we’re both on board. From now on, Comedy Coven exclusively performs lyrical parodies to long-ago cancelled, half-remembered TV show themes.
STEPH
Oh, I like that half the audience will have no recollection of the TV themes we parody. That’s obscure! And obscure is experimental!
EMILY
Yes, yes. You’ve learned something. We’ve all learned something. I’m glad everyone is happy. Finally.
STEPH
I only worry about keeping it from getting boring. I mean, how do we keep it fresh?
TRICIA
Oh, I have a few ideas.
VOICEOVER: “Later that week, at the Robin Theatre.”
TRICIA, STEPH, and EMILY have put on glasses that make it look like they have tits for eyes. They sing a parody of the Growing Pains theme.
STEPH
Show me those tits for eyes.
EMILY AND TRICIA
Ooh show me those tit eyes.
STEPH
Don’t waste another minute not having tits for eyes.
We’ll know we’re near the end
EMILY AND TRICIA
We’ll know we’re near
EMILY, TRICIA AND STEPH
The best thing is having tits for eyes!
EMILY
Ooh-oo-oo-ooh!
EMILY, TRICIA AND STEPH
As long as we’ve got tits for eyes
We’ve got the world jealous of our tits eyes
STEPH
Baby you and me
EMILY AND TRICIA
We gotta be
EMILY, TRICIA AND STEPH
The luckiest people ‘cause we got tits for eyes
As long as we have tits for eyes
We can take anything that comes our way
EMILY
Baby, rain or shine
TRICIA and STEPH
Tits for eyes!
EMILY, TRICIA AND STEPH
We’ve got tits for eyes
Sharing the laughter and love
Song ends.
TRICIA
We’ve done it!
STEPH
We’re back, baby! And funnier than ever!
EMILYPlus I have good news, guys! I did some research, and the spell should’ve ended as soon as you had literally walked a mile following it. So I just need to figure out what went wrong and do a reverting spell.
STEPH
Wait, like walk a whole mile?
EMILY
Yes. Just one mile. Wait. Have neither of you walked one single mile since the spell? That was, like, a week ago!
STEPH
Pshhhh. I downloaded my seven-day trial of HBO on Amazon Prime that same day.
TRICIA
Aww, no shit! I just did that too!
STEPH
Oh shit! Have you watched that documentary, Tickled? I swear to god, if anyone takes one thing away from this experience, it’s that they should watch the HBO original documentary, Tickled.
TRICIA
Oh my god, I totally watched that!
STEPH
Oh man, is it fucked up!
EMILY
[sigh] Well, come on you two. [gleefully] And I’d thought when I got rid of the dogs, I’d no longer have to take my comedy partners for walks!
STEPH, EMILY and TRICIA all laugh heartily.
EMILY
Aaaand hold for credits!
STEPH, EMILY and TRICIA freeze mid-laugh and a brief reprise of the Growing Pains theme plays followed by production logos. Thank yous / good nights.
curtain call
the boob-eyes masks worn by Coven during the final scene; made by yours truly
The Comedy Coven produces a sketch and stand-up showcase at the Robin Theatre in Lansing, MI. To see what else we're brewing up, check out their website, like their page on Facebook and follow them on Twitter and Instagram. Like, Comment, and Subscribe! comedycoven.com
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